I dedicate this blog to my boyfriend Ryan who has been a huge support in my world.
The Unimaginable Has Happened, Now What?
That ride. I will never ever forget it. It was a full spectrum of emotions, and if there was an emotion for every letter in the English alphabet, I had them and felt them all.
Just a little over two years ago, I lost my life partner unexpectedly while I was out of town. Little did I know that making the decision not to accompany him to his clinic in Winnipeg that weekend, would result in him dying alone in a hotel. There was no mistaking that nasty gut feeling I had that morning I woke up in Regina and couldn’t reach him. The one time I decided not to go with him, he suddenly dies. I still feel this nasty nagging in my head once in awhile….the nagging of “I should have been with him! Maybe if I would have been there I could have done something. Maybe he’d still be alive.” This grief is more than I can handle in my lifetime. I have already experienced anger from childhood and young adult trauma….and I had let go of that anger already once. But that anger and new anger resurfaced when I suffered my last huge loss. The anger of MORE loss, the anger at GOD (or whatever entity) for taking away my happiness and the anger of having to let go of my past completely in order to move on. These past two years have not been easy. Grief doesn’t know time. It has no real end, and often times the beginning of it are accompanied by negative things such as defeat, desperation and anger. The feelings of being ripped off in life has made a hole in my heart and this is how I am choosing to deal with it from here on out.
I honestly don’t know that this will help anyone, but I wanted to share my experience with cannabis and how it helped me cope the the loss of my life partner. So, I decided to share some personal thoughts with my readers in hopes I could work through an unhealthy grieving issue I have been experiencing. I want to dig a little deeper inside myself in an attempt to channel whatever comes of it in a positive way, and serve some real purpose by sharing. Maybe my experiences can help yours?
Finding Comfort In Family & Friends
During the most difficult of times, there is no room for things like pride or feeling like a burden. If your family and friends really care about you, they will step up and lend a hand. I had so much help when I lost him I couldn’t believe it. Friends came in from out of town stayed with me for days and really helped me through it all. My neighbors at the time took me in and took very good care of me, and to them I will always be so grateful. It actually has me in tears right now! Friends are a call away and sometimes hugs help too. Never be ashamed in reaching out to friends because that’s what friends are for. I have been so fortunate to have the family and friends I have today and honestly, without their support I don’t think I would where I am. Because of a best friend I write for a top magazine. Because of that friend, I regained my self-worth. Real friends are everything.
Getting Professional Help Is Okay
Trauma due to the loss of someone or something isn’t something for anyone to just “get over”. It’s something that we must learn to deal with. However, we can cope better when given the proper tools. I have some coping tools, but not the proper ones for what happened most recent. Although it has been two years since my last loss, I still grieve because I haven’t the proper tools to cope for this type of loss. At least not as of yet. Realizing that anger and grief have been leading my life recently has been a rude awakening, I have decided to get professional help for this specific loss. I want to learn to channel my grief in a creative and constructive way. I will never be ashamed of wanting something more for myself like getting the help I know deserve. But it is ultimately up to me to go get it and now I need to.
As soon as I got the horrible news and finally made it safely home, I jumped in a hot bath. My safe haven. I have wanted and craved baths all my life when I’ve felt angst. I don’t know why, but all I know is that it helps me relax, and I have hung onto that as a coping tool for the majority of my life now. Today, there’s nothing better than a hot bath and a side of bong tokes. A little tip for anyone interested in making it their sanctuary, make it as hot as you can handle, then add epsom salts and essential oils like vanilla or lavender. Minimum soak, 20 minutes. Reflection time is good, and bathing is a good place to do that. Sometimes I will post G-rated candle lit baths on my Twitter account with # like #destress, #unwind and #chillax to get people bathing because I am a big believer in it’s calming ability. It has been wonderfully relaxing for me to make this an evening ritual before bed. This a place I know I can calm myself down safely and on my own.
Journaling for Peace
Journalling has been around for eras. I got my first key locked diary when I was 12. I never wrote anything much until I was about 14, but made good practice after that. From poetry to music, I wrote anything and everything back then. Journalling is a remarkable creative tool that requires three things, me, a pen and paper. So, I have decided to journal my feelings in efforts to directly vent it to back to myself so I that may reflect if I choose to. Getting a grip by journaling will be good for my healing path. Obtaining inner peace for myself is an important goal and there can be peace in writing I have found.
Cannabis, Gardening & Healing
When he passed away, I rarely touched cannabis because I felt a strong desire to ride the waves of my loss raw. However, I did smoke cannabis before his service to honour him and to commemorate the cannabis patients who couldn’t attend his service but wanted to. I ended up giving myself a sober month to allow myself to begin healing properly again. Cannabis wasn’t on my mind at the time of my loss to be honest, even though I was well aware of it being a helpful tool. But, after a month passed, I had a harvest ready….
…and I was able to start my cannabis regime again ❤ I began juicing it raw until it the rest of the harvest was cured, and made good use of my medicine in all its forms.
Gardening has so many natural healing benefits too. Caring for something can be a good distraction and a healthy coping space. I found crying in my garden to be so wonderful during that difficult time. It was so cleansing somehow. Overall, gardening is a good healing mechanism. I currently just growing garden tomatoes and other vegetables and am quite happy with this hobby.
Cannabis has been a saving grace for me. Without it, my overall well being would be completely compromised. I depend on it for pain relief, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and currently grief. In my stages of grief, I have discovered that high lineage indicas to be the best suited for me. They mostly calm me and allow me to unwind smoothly. OG Kush and Chemo being my two favorites. Eating cannabis also has calming effects, so I am going to up my intake on infused treats during the day and journal this progress as well.
If you are grieving or suffering a loss, know there is help and that cannabis can help take that edge off. Get informed about cannabis and it’s healing abilities, you might be surprised! Here’s a great video to get you started:
I hope this has been something of substance for my readers, because I truly believe that I will get through this. And if I can persevere, you can too.